Here we go again, and again, and again

This blog has always been my safe space. Where I can admit my feelings and be what I need to be in that moment. Joyous, angry, settled, frustrated, or all at once. It has been where I could unload. And I’m here again. I need to express my feelings once more and shout into the void. But it is more of the same. The struggle hasn’t changed. 

Secondary infertility, you may believe it would be easier the second time around, and I foolishly believed that was the case. But here we are again and the feelings haven’t changed, the feelings of self doubt, worthlessness, frustration, and most of all grief. 

We began our journey to a second child and hoped it would start last year and the after some life events that was pushed fo January of this year, but like most of my plans, that was not the case. There had been tragedies and victories in the last year. My sister suffered a great tragedy, her youngest son passed. We lost a beloved nephew who was  only 5 months old. He was a blessing and a ball of love. Thinking of trying to bring another child into the world so short after that loss was unimaginable. And then a blessing, a niece! My sister-in-law had a beautiful, precious little girl. And it was important to me to not pursue any type of treatment for a while after that sweet girl was born. And then the time came. I called the fertility clinic in February. But then 2020. And the whole world shut down. It took until August for our fertility clinic to open back to a capacity that I could be welcomed back into the practice. Although I was seeing the same doctor and going through the same office, my last pregnancy had been over a year prior so I was a new patient. And we finally started our second journey with an IUI in October. 

I thought, this is old news, I responded so well last time. I will get pregnant no problem. And again, I was wrong. We have undergone 2 IUIs with negative results. The doctor I go to will allow 3 before discussing other options. I was told after this last negative test (last Sunday) that If things were not progressing by next IUI we would need to discuss IVF. To put it lightly, I was devastated. 

We decided to wait to do another IUI until after at least December. Just due to scheduling. But also, I feel like I needed time. You see, I am going to do another IUI, but I honestly do not feel confident. There’s a nagging negativity in my head that won’t leave. And it has robbed me of any hope I had. I fully expect to have another negative test. 

There’s so much grief with each negative test, it’s knowing your body has continued to malfunction. It knowing you have invested more money into a failure. It’s mourning a life that you planned for. 

I have been trying to have a child naturally for 8 years and it has never happened. I feel worthless. I mourn over my body that cannot seem to do even the most basic of functions. 

And here we are at the precipice of another huge moment. If this IUI doesn’t work... what then? Do we attempt IVF? Is that even an option? Financially it seems impossible. 

Since I was told IVF was a possibility, I have thought of little else. When I was trying to conceive our first child, I had this need to carry a child. It felt almost primal. But, with this round, I don’t feel as called to carry a child within me. So adoption has been discussed several times. Which, financially, would be quite difficult. 

I have been grieving this week. A shroud of sadness has been surrounding me. I have been quite a mess, if I’m honest. In the moments where I am distracted and can focus on something else, I can fake it. But there have been moments that was impossible. My grief has varied, from a minor tinge in the back of my mind to an all encompassing breakdown. I grieve a dysfunctional body. I grieve the family I created in my mind. I grieve for my daughter who asks for a sibling so very often. Who has prayed to God  and asked for mommy to give her a baby brother or sister. 

I’m not sure how to end this post. Except to say. I’m praying too. Praying for faith. Trying to remember to wait upon the Lord. And trying my best to be thankful for all I have. 

IUI #2

The chances of success with an IUI increase with each attempt. 

The first attempt there is a 20% chance of success.

The second attempt there is a 40% chance of success. 

The third attempt there is a 60% chance of success.

We got pregnant with the 20% chance, but lost it. So I thought 40%...Come on there is no way this isn't going to work. I was wrong. 

I never had the symptoms from last time but I thought each pregnancy is different. Right? Apparently maybe not for me. 

The IUI was completed 2 weeks ago today. So today was my test date. But I already knew. Today has been weird. I've been sick this week so William and I have been home all week. He hates being home so I feel guilty. Because I know we should leave the house today. But I can't. I can't see any pregnant people, I can't see any new babies, I can't see people. Because I'm not emotional. I'm not angry, I haven't really cried but if I see out there I will break. But staying here will break him. 

It's also weird bc neither of us have had a reaction. I just don't know what to do. 

After the third attempt of IUI they choose a different treatment because the chances don't go up. The chances actually decrease. So now I'm scared. Scared to go on and Scared to not got on. I'm not ok with IVF. The cost is astronomical and honestly the cost isn't a true factor. Because we have a way to pay. My parents are helping but that is a huge number and what if it doesn't work. 

Also our biggest fertility problem.. I'm overweight. I have PCOS. That's it... SO are we going to spend upward of $15,0000 because I am overweight? 

So our next plan of action. We are going to do IUI one more time. but after that I'm done. I 'm done until I loose weight. Because if I can loose weight and possibly have a baby then that's what I will try. 

Basically no baby. No baby now. Possibly no baby for a very long time. So I looked into adoption. Although possible, it will take take at least 2 years. Not because of the process of adoption but because we live in a basement right now. We are going to build a house. We start next August. So They wouldn't consider us while we live here.

This sucks and I'm starting to get bitter.

Hannah Faith

     In May, we had our first IUI. It was a time of learning. I learned what heart burn felt like, I know about hCg levels, and chemical pregnancies. I also learned God will get you through all sorts of situations you never thought you could handle. 
     You see, it worked! YAY!! We got a positive pregnancy test. I went in for blood work and everything seemed normal.They requirement is that your hCg levels double every 2 days, That indicates a normal pregnancy. They asked me to come back and nothing was normal...My levels had suspended. They asked me back again and saw that the levels were falling.  I was told then that I was experiencing a Chemical pregnancy. They try to tell you that you weren't ever truly pregnant. Since it's so early and there was no physical characteristics of a pregnancy (they couldn't detect it on an ultrasound) they determined my pregnancy was chemical. There was never a "real baby." William and I have a problem with that. God's creation is a life. No matter how early. Our baby was our first baby. For the next couple of weeks I went through a very trying time of waiting. I was ok waiting to find out if I was pregnant; but waiting to lose the baby was torture. They tell you it's coming and you try to prepare yourself but there is no way to make yourself ready to see the evidence of that life coming to an end. Through faith and prayer we were able to make it through this trial in our lives. 
                                              There is no one holy like the Lord;
                                                         there is no one besides you;
                                                         there is no Rock like our God.
                                                                                   1st Samuel 2:2

        There is a woman in the Bible named Hannah. She was a strong, well loved woman. She also happened to be barren.  Many use her journey as an inspiration for their infertility. I am also one of those people. This story became the the hope I was desperate for. As I read about her life I was so inspired by her faith. She truly believed in God's grace and goodness! 

         Perhaps that's why we named our baby Hannah Faith.  Hannah was due early February. We lost her when I was close to 5 weeks pregnant (super early, I know, but it still counts). Let me admit something to all of y'all, All of you announcing pregnancy that are due in February...You're killing me. But I'm happy for y'all. Sad for us. 


         So with heavy hearts, lots of prayers, and our Doctor's permission; we started our second round of fertility treatments. The positive side: we know we can get pregnant! I consider that a huge positive. Another positive is that our doctor sees no reason why we would have another chemical pregnancy. Saying that, it is difficult to move on so quickly. Another worry is that if we do have another chemical pregnancy we will have to start more tests and make sure nothing else is wrong with me. 

   This Sunday we had our second treatment. So here we are waiting. Waiting to take another pregnancy test and see if it worked again. Waiting to see if that test is positive. Then the real wait will start. I am praying we will not have another chemical pregnancy. My sweet friend Amanda said she is praying for a sustained life. I just love that prayer and I pray for that everyday. 

    Trying to keep my nerves from going nuts. Trying to stay calm. Mostly We're praying. 

Space Mountain

Our last 7 days have been a roller coaster. 

While I've been on many roller coasters in my life. None is quite like Space Mountain. It may be because I am slightly obsessed with Disney. The wonder and magic of Disney is truly enchanting. Out of all the rides in Disney World, Space mountain holds the most mystery and possibly the most magic. 

Starting with the incredibly long line. I mean this thing is a monster. Full of "windows" where you can see the stars and all these planets. Some people that know the park understand this is one ride you have to get a fast pass or you will be stuck waiting for the ride of your life. This week we missed our fast pass. There was no skipping the lines for us. We have had to endure all the twists and turns of the line, wait patiently as those who were able, passed us and got to their goal. We abided by all the rules, and finally we get to the front of the line where the nice cast member asks, "How many are in your party?" We so want to reply 3, but sadly, here is the time we say 2, please. 

Something I have always noticed about this ride is the spaceship you are placed in only has 4 seats total, They are all right behind each other. So it's almost like you are only aware of the person in front of you and the person immediately behind you. 

We board our space ship excitedly awaiting our take off. So much anticipation in our hearts. This is going to be the best ride of our lives. You're accelerated quickly and off you go. 

Here is where our week really started. In this ride it is completely dark except for a few flashing lights. Your senses are almost completely overwhelmed by the sounds, wind on your face, people screaming all around you. 

Like any good roller coaster all you can do is hang on and enjoy the ride. 

I said all of that to say this: IUI is exactly like Space Mountain. 

The line I spoke about: I have been watching so many loved ones and friends get their fast pass. Their pregnancy that is the biggest blessing. And just like the fast pass, I am so excited you get to ride but I sure wish I had that pass. Also just like the line I know if I am patient and wait on the Lord I will eventually come to the front of the line. 

That cast member that asked about how many is riding; That's all of you. You're being so supportive and loving. You're asking all these questions because you care and saying so many things because you care. I just so wish I could turn to you and say: there's now three in our small party. And yet it seems we are still only 2 riders on this journey. 

The spaceship: While I know there are others before me who have had this problem it's so hard to see those who have already gotten through this journey. Saying that, I always know William has my back. He is the protector who will always take care of me. He is the perfect support for me. I can't say enough about him. I'm so glad he is the person supporting me. 

The anticipation: all the treatment you have to endure before you even able to schedule the IUI. The pills, ultrasounds, shots.

The acceleration: The IUI. Although definitely not enjoyable was not the worst thing I have ever experienced. Then the real ride begins. 

The ride: the 2 week wait. I'm not sure if you guys know anything about the 2ww but it is awful. You cannot do anything to help anything. You just have to live. Try your best not to be stressed and honestly just let it go. 

Just when you think the ride is over, there is one more hill, the one you would never expect. Here I am. Unexpectedly free falling. Praying, Hoping something good comes from this round of IUI but realizing this ride has to end sometime. I also have to realize, once this free fall ends The ride will end. I will have to go back to the very beginning. Starting over in the long line. Watching everyone with their fast passes. But I am so willing to ride this ride as many times as necessary. It will be worth it. Because one of these days I will get to the front of the line and tell the cast member I need 3 seats in this spaceship. 

Until then. I'm trying to enjoy the ride. 

He has been so good to me!

This stage of my life has been one of the most challenging, as well as the strangest time in my life. Perhaps I should catch you up...Life with infertility has continued no matter how much I had hoped this portion of my life would already be a memory. Yet here I am, still with out a baby, and still with out the most coveted title I could achieve; Mother.
Exciting news: I have met my infertility doctor (which through reading other blogs I have found out they are actually titled Reproductive Endocrinologists or RE for short) and I fell in love with her. I can't say enough about this woman! I have only had a couple of appointments with her, but I look forward to seeing her. Maybe that's crazy to say. I guess this should be another sad part of the journey but I think God sent her my way. She is a light in this dark time of my life. When I had my initial visit with her I felt at ease. She greeted me with the biggest smile and gave me all the encouragement I could ask for. The next couple of appointments should have been the scariest time in my life. We began testing again and I should have been on pins and needles and yet I was relaxed and trusted her completely. Moral of the story I have a borderline unhealthy love (ok slight obsession) with my reproductive endocrinologist.
The tests began. Several more blood tests (For real...SEVERAL), an internal ultrasound to check my ovaries for cysts and number of follicles, and then a test called a Femvue. All tests looked good. The blood tests return results that had slightly improved since my OBGYN did the initial work up. The first internal ultrasound showed I have a healthy amount of eggs and follicles.
Then we came to the Femvue. This test involved another internal ultrasound that looked at my uterus. They were looking for abnormalities, growths, etc. The very sweet tech was doing this exam and I could tell she had seen something. No one panic!! There was no tumor or baby or anything crazy exciting but there was Something. So she took some measurements and printed out a picture and went to get my RE to continue the Femvue. Once my Doctor came in (her name is Dr. Best btw) she said there was an abnormality in the initial ultrasound but it was nothing to be concerned about. She then started the second part of the test. (Warning..Graphic material ahead!!!)
The second part of the Femvue involved injecting a dye into my uterus. She had to inject enough to fill my fallopian tubes and see that the die was spilling out of them. This would show they were not blocked. Here's the graphic part: in order to complete this test Dr. Best first inserted a speculum to keep everything open, Next she reinserted the internal ultrasound wand, finally she inserted a tube and began filling my uterus with dye. We were both excited when the test showed each fallopian tube being open. Back to the ultrasound at the beginning of the appointment. Dr. Best told me she saw something that could possibly be 2 polyps or 2 fibroids.
From here the next action was planned. I would need a small outpatient surgery. When lead to me needing to be put on a certain medication so that the surgery could be scheduled anytime of the month. That medication was birth control. I was resistant to say the least. Ironically at the time I was prescribed a couple of medications. My med list included birth control and pre natal vitamins....strange.
I had this surgery completed last Tuesday. I had a hysteroscopy and a polypectomy.  The removed a polyp that was 2 cm in diameter. ( about the size of a quarter) it was so large it was completely blocking one of my fallopian tubes and irritating my uterus a whole bunch. It basically acted like an IUD.
So now everyone (including me) is thinking...Hey that's a big problem! It's fixed now! Start trying again. But I don't want to get my hopes up again.
I also may have skipped over a small detail. Dr. Best sent William to a man specialist. They also completed more testing for him. They found he has some small issues (including low testosterone, and a varicose vein in a very unfortunate location) Both issues can and will be fixed but if we fix them now it will be a full year before we could get pregnant at all. Even through IVF.
Now you're all caught up. Present day. We have to go for my post-op. This is where we discuss all the findings from all the tests and establish the final plan to FINALLY GET PREGNANT!!
We are hoping, since the polyp is gone, and William's problems are not the worst problems you could have, that possibly we could get pregnant naturally. BUT again I am not getting my hopes up. I still think we are going to have to do IVF.
Now begins the waiting game. 10 days and counting until we can make another plan. 10 days and we can move forward! I'm going to be truthful, I am so tired of waiting. 1 year and 6 months of waiting so far. I'm trying to not be bitter but it's starting to get very difficult.
Tonight was a real test for me. My parents were at church with William and myself. Some of our family members came in. Including a new baby in our family.  The baby's mother is my cousin.  The baby was an unexpected blessing. When my cousin announced her pregnancy William and I had been trying to have a baby for several months.
The baby is precious. He is super cute and irresistible. My parents got to hold him. He sat in their lap and they began playing with him. I seriously lost it. I couldn't stop crying because that was supposed to be my baby. My parents were supposed to be bouncing my baby on their knee. And yet we are still waiting. And now I am becoming so bitter. And yet I keep thinking of this song:

                     I've got so much to thank Him for. So much to praise Him for! Well you see, He has
                    been so good to me! And when I think of all he's done and where He brought me from
                                                                   I've got so much to thank Him for!

I try to remember God's goodness! I try to remember all my blessings. They are too many to count. I just have to remember: While I'm Waiting I WILL serve Him!
                                                                                                     

So emotional

There are so many feelings and emotions that come with the journey of infertility. Perhaps too many to count. Theres:

frustration

helplessness

exhaustion

love

depression

hope

defeat

You may experience these emotions all in one day, in one hour, maybe even one minute. 

One of the favorite and also least favorite moments of this journey was on a Sunday. My husband and I had just left church, we were driving to his grandparent's house for lunch. We started fighting. He had said something that upset me. It was probably not what he said but how he said it. It may have not even been what he said or how he said it that upset me, it may have just been at that moment anything would have upset me. I was so upset, I was sobbing, and half yelling, basically incoherent. He was just trying to console me while driving. Nothing was helping. He has to be one of the most patient men on the planet. 

I forgot to mention it was down pouring. 

So in the middle of this horrendous fight I look out the window and start to pout (because I am a very mature adult). Then I begin to laugh so loud! I'm talking a major guffaw! All while my husband looks on mystified. 

Did I also mention you also have major mood swings during infertility? 

This one, at least, was warranted. You see, I looked out the window and there he was, a man power washing his driveway, in the driving rain. This man was drenched. At this point in my life that was the funniest possible thing I could even think of.  So maybe this was just a strange example of the many emotions and moods that come with infertility. 

Unfortunately, recently my emotions have been the sadder emotions. Defeat, is possibly, the most obvious. I now officially know someone that has been pregnant, delivered her child, and is once again pregnant within the amount of time that William and I have been trying. So feeling defeated is my main emotion currently. But another very prominent emotion is love. Love, because during all of these times my husband has been a huge support even though he is experiencing this along with me. Love because all of my friends and family have given me encouraging words. Love because sometimes I can feel the prayers being sent our way. 

Finally and probably most importantly, we are moving on to Part 4: meeting our infertility doctor. 

I'm sure a very long post will follow soon to recount all of our new adventures with my new Doctor.

You are so loved

Baby Walker,
     You are so loved. I haven't met you yet, you haven't even been conceived yet; even so, you are so loved. I have dreams of you. Full of shining bright eyes, perfect little toes, cute little fingers, adorable curling hair. And then I wake up. I hold fiercely to that picture of you. You are so loved.
     Did you know you're a miracle? Did you know you're my life's goal? I can't wait to see you, hold you, love you, rock you to sleep.
      I just haven't met you yet.
      I'm waiting on my miracle.  I think maybe Cinderella's Fairy Godmother said it best:
           

 

   My perfect miracle, I will hold you someday. But until then, you my dear, are so loved.