I have always listened to all the Christmas songs that mention being home for Christmas. Even though these songs are special to me it's not because I could ever relate. This year however, I understand exactly what they mean.
Can I tell you the truth?
I was so so so very excited to move and be on my own. To have the "away from home college experience" that I have seen my friends and family love. But mine is not the, "away from home college experience" that most have. I live in an apartment, not in a dorm. Although I know some people in the complex, It's nothing like the wonderful experience I was anticipating. You see my sister went away to college. The only sibling of mine that has lived in a dorm. I would visit her and dream of being there. Being able to just skip down the hall and hang out with my best friend from college. You know the one that is a bridesmaid in your wedding. The one your call to have lunch with. Unfortunately, this has not been my experience.
Don't get me wrong blog people. I am adjusting finally. It has taken 4 months to get to this point. But now with the Christmas season here I am forced to face the fact that I am not at home looking at that glorious 9 foot tree with all the homemade ornaments from our childhood. But now that it is my job to have my own cheer. Right?
My all time favorite Christmas movie is Meet me in St. Louis. In this movie Judy Garland debuted a song called Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. (This just happens to be my favorite Christmas song) In the scene she is comforting her little sister, Tootie, because they are moving to New York the next morning. Although this song doesn't particularly say anything about being home for Christmas it still evokes the feeling of homesickness that often occupied my thoughts here in my apartment.
I so look forward to being home for Christmas.
What a sad sounding blog this is evolving into. I have decided my next post will contain feelings of happiness and love.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
One scarred hand to the other.
My sins are too many to count. They are too many to categorize. They are too many to even fathom.
I have a problem with my sins....I cannot let them go.
There is a song I love by Casting Crowns called East to West. Several lines are currently repeating in my head over and over and over and over and over. This is what it says:
I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
What a wonderful thought! Right?! That my sins are spread from the East to the West. But I keep thinking about that one line, "I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again."
My most recent sins. The ones I count among the worst. They are rising up in me constantly.
I image this is how a prisoner would feel. At least one that actually regrets the activity that has gotten them into their current living conditions. It's like the white walls are a constant reminder of what they have done. For me, it's everyone I see around me that are the reminder.
I should have been better.
Known Better.
Chose Better.
Lived Better.
And yet the choices I've made have lead me to basically running through my local Wal Mart to get away from those that I felt were going to be some of the most disappointed in me.
See what I mean people? I have never been able to let go of my own sins. He has already forgiven me for every sin I will commit. Every sin I have committed.
The part of this post that is the most difficult for me to comprehend is that I have to forgive myself.
I have a problem with my sins....I cannot let them go.
There is a song I love by Casting Crowns called East to West. Several lines are currently repeating in my head over and over and over and over and over. This is what it says:
I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
What a wonderful thought! Right?! That my sins are spread from the East to the West. But I keep thinking about that one line, "I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again."
My most recent sins. The ones I count among the worst. They are rising up in me constantly.
I image this is how a prisoner would feel. At least one that actually regrets the activity that has gotten them into their current living conditions. It's like the white walls are a constant reminder of what they have done. For me, it's everyone I see around me that are the reminder.
I should have been better.
Known Better.
Chose Better.
Lived Better.
And yet the choices I've made have lead me to basically running through my local Wal Mart to get away from those that I felt were going to be some of the most disappointed in me.
See what I mean people? I have never been able to let go of my own sins. He has already forgiven me for every sin I will commit. Every sin I have committed.
The part of this post that is the most difficult for me to comprehend is that I have to forgive myself.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I say Grace.
When I was 8 years old I begged Jesus to come into my life. Literally I got down on my knees and pleaded that he would save me.
At this age, did I truly understand what he was saving me from? At the tender age of 8 did I understand the commitment that I was undertaking?
Maybe I will never be able to answer these questions. What I do know is that night when I knelt down I couldn't wait to talk to this man Jesus. My heart pounded so hard that I just knew when I opened my eyes it would be laying on the floor. Can you imagine something feeling that urgent especially to an 8 year old?
Another question:
Have you ever met someone famous? I have.
It was an experience I will never forget. I got such a rush. I couldn't even speak. The guy had to ask me if I would like a picture with him! For the first time in my life I was speechless. Literally.
One more question:
Have you ever read a book that made you have an emotional reaction? Example, Twilight caused millions of people to have an obsession.
To my 8 year old self, this book was the Bible, and the famous person was Jesus.
I know these feelings still apply and yet they feel dulled.
Truth: If I saw Jesus right now in this moment I would be speechless. But it shouldn't be that I would need to see him to be speechless. I should be in constant awe of the power and love of Jesus.
What does this boil down to?
1. I feel lukewarm and I hate it.
2. I should read the Bible so that it will become my renewed obsession.
3. I should be what I seem to be to others around me.
4. I crave to be that 8 year old with that simple understanding.
At this age, did I truly understand what he was saving me from? At the tender age of 8 did I understand the commitment that I was undertaking?
Maybe I will never be able to answer these questions. What I do know is that night when I knelt down I couldn't wait to talk to this man Jesus. My heart pounded so hard that I just knew when I opened my eyes it would be laying on the floor. Can you imagine something feeling that urgent especially to an 8 year old?
Another question:
Have you ever met someone famous? I have.
It was an experience I will never forget. I got such a rush. I couldn't even speak. The guy had to ask me if I would like a picture with him! For the first time in my life I was speechless. Literally.
One more question:
Have you ever read a book that made you have an emotional reaction? Example, Twilight caused millions of people to have an obsession.
To my 8 year old self, this book was the Bible, and the famous person was Jesus.
I know these feelings still apply and yet they feel dulled.
Truth: If I saw Jesus right now in this moment I would be speechless. But it shouldn't be that I would need to see him to be speechless. I should be in constant awe of the power and love of Jesus.
What does this boil down to?
1. I feel lukewarm and I hate it.
2. I should read the Bible so that it will become my renewed obsession.
3. I should be what I seem to be to others around me.
4. I crave to be that 8 year old with that simple understanding.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
hurtful words
So question...
Why are words so hurtful? Sticks and stones right? Aren't I rubber...You're supposed to be the one that is glue. The words are supposed to back fire and hurt the hurtful one. Yet today someone said something to me that I keep dwelling on.
On the flip side of that, Do I say hurtful things? I know I have not ever called someone what I was called today. Not to a person's face. Even though this gives me some comfort I realize I do think and say things that are not nice.
Just some thoughts running through my mind.
Why are words so hurtful? Sticks and stones right? Aren't I rubber...You're supposed to be the one that is glue. The words are supposed to back fire and hurt the hurtful one. Yet today someone said something to me that I keep dwelling on.
On the flip side of that, Do I say hurtful things? I know I have not ever called someone what I was called today. Not to a person's face. Even though this gives me some comfort I realize I do think and say things that are not nice.
Just some thoughts running through my mind.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Connect
What a week I have had. It has been filled with 2 tests, Many hours of studying, stress, love, happiness, joy. It seems to me that the last three do not coincide with each other correct? In my wonderful life they do :)
My sister came to visit me this Sunday. She decided to come help me find a church in my area. I am very thankful she did. I went into this church Sunday feeling awkward and unsure...then the music started. It was a wonderful thing that happened at that point. I got a feeling. You know the feeling where you know God is near. Where your heart flutters and your hair stands on end. I had that. All I could say was. Hello God, I have been missing you.
That last statement is a wonderfully sad one isn't it? I have to confess that it has been a while since I have felt the way I did Sunday. Life gets in the way.
There are no excuses for this. I allowed moving, school, and other things get in the way of my worshiping.
Now though I look forward to attending this place God has set aside for people to gather and worship. I can't wait for William to come up and enjoy a service with me. I really want to thank Chelsea for coming up and missing her home church service.
I look forward to growing in my life. At school and in this new area.
My sister came to visit me this Sunday. She decided to come help me find a church in my area. I am very thankful she did. I went into this church Sunday feeling awkward and unsure...then the music started. It was a wonderful thing that happened at that point. I got a feeling. You know the feeling where you know God is near. Where your heart flutters and your hair stands on end. I had that. All I could say was. Hello God, I have been missing you.
That last statement is a wonderfully sad one isn't it? I have to confess that it has been a while since I have felt the way I did Sunday. Life gets in the way.
There are no excuses for this. I allowed moving, school, and other things get in the way of my worshiping.
Now though I look forward to attending this place God has set aside for people to gather and worship. I can't wait for William to come up and enjoy a service with me. I really want to thank Chelsea for coming up and missing her home church service.
I look forward to growing in my life. At school and in this new area.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Blog Update
It is one of my wishes to be an amazing blogger like so many I know. Alas I am a sporadic blogger with no cohesive (is that the correct term?) blogs. O how I long to be one with awesome pictures in ever post. I am not. Maybe when my life is not consumed with tests and school. Hopefully..one day :)
just not today.
just not today.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My new life
So..A little disclaimer! This post is so long! It is mostly for me. Really it's just so I can remember my first two days of Dental Hygiene school! Here it goes:
Yesterday I began a new adventure in my life. It was the first day of classes. The first day of dental hygiene school. Ok so maybe this doesn't sound exciting to the rest of you but you need to understand, I have wanted to be a dental hygienist since I was a freshman in High school. Actually I am not sure that I can pinpoint it to that year. I feel like it was before....Either way, I have wanted this for at least 7 years of my short 21 years in this life.
As class began yesterday my professor said this to us:
"You are going to cry more, stress more and freak out more than you ever have in your life...and you chose this!"-Ms. Miller.
It's amazing how this exemplifies every feeling that I have had about school.
Just last week I was in tears because I was so stressed and it hadn't even started school yet!
But now it has started :)
And guess what...It is exactly what I thought it would be... So very challenging! Just yesterday we had a full lecture chalked full of information and things that I had to know.
Today was just the same. More and more information thrown at me for eight hours.
So for my own enjoyment let's recap my first two days of school:
I woke up and looked at phone. My sweet mother sent me a text that said, "Wish I could be there to make your 'first day of hygiene school' picture. :-) love Mom.
Of course this made me cry but then I decided I would take the picture for her so... here you go mom:
My first day of Dental Hygiene school:
School was just full of syllabi and a very large set of notes. After school I got to see my boyfriend! He had made a trip to Rome earlier that day for some business he had to help take care of. So it just so happened that he stayed and hung out with me for several hours! What an amazing guy :)
Then my awesome brother and mom made a special trip to fix my internet. He did a wonderful job. Then I said my goodbyes and tried to sleep...Yeah right.
I woke up early this morning to go to school. After I was all ready for school I went out into the parking lot of my apartment building and I saw a girl that is also in the program. We ended up carpooling.
School started like the day before. Filled with syllabi and boring notes. But then something awesome happened! They passed out our instruments! I was almost hyperventilating I was so excited! In fact the girl sitting next to me kept looking at me. I don't think there was anyone as excited as me!
After receiving my very own instruments I went to lunch with a few girls from the program. It was awesome! I am really excited about the other girls I am meeting. We ate at Panera...yes Chelsea I did it! You were right it was delicious :)
After we got back to class my teacher surprised us with an awesome tooth morphology DYD! Our very own tooth and gingiva model:
The teeth COME OUT!!!!!! SO AWESOME!
a set of teeth that are just loose,
and an awesome coloring book of Head and neck anatomy!
O my goodness I cannot wait! Now I just have to sit down with my books and really get into this! I am so pumped!!!!
I know the hard work is coming so very soon! But I am so so very excited about it!
And if this isn't enough today I started the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred! This video made my sister look SO HOT right before her wedding! I am determined to look just as hot! What a wonderful week!!!!
Yesterday I began a new adventure in my life. It was the first day of classes. The first day of dental hygiene school. Ok so maybe this doesn't sound exciting to the rest of you but you need to understand, I have wanted to be a dental hygienist since I was a freshman in High school. Actually I am not sure that I can pinpoint it to that year. I feel like it was before....Either way, I have wanted this for at least 7 years of my short 21 years in this life.
As class began yesterday my professor said this to us:
"You are going to cry more, stress more and freak out more than you ever have in your life...and you chose this!"-Ms. Miller.
It's amazing how this exemplifies every feeling that I have had about school.
Just last week I was in tears because I was so stressed and it hadn't even started school yet!
But now it has started :)
And guess what...It is exactly what I thought it would be... So very challenging! Just yesterday we had a full lecture chalked full of information and things that I had to know.
Today was just the same. More and more information thrown at me for eight hours.
So for my own enjoyment let's recap my first two days of school:
I woke up and looked at phone. My sweet mother sent me a text that said, "Wish I could be there to make your 'first day of hygiene school' picture. :-) love Mom.
Of course this made me cry but then I decided I would take the picture for her so... here you go mom:
My first day of Dental Hygiene school:
School was just full of syllabi and a very large set of notes. After school I got to see my boyfriend! He had made a trip to Rome earlier that day for some business he had to help take care of. So it just so happened that he stayed and hung out with me for several hours! What an amazing guy :)
Then my awesome brother and mom made a special trip to fix my internet. He did a wonderful job. Then I said my goodbyes and tried to sleep...Yeah right.
I woke up early this morning to go to school. After I was all ready for school I went out into the parking lot of my apartment building and I saw a girl that is also in the program. We ended up carpooling.
School started like the day before. Filled with syllabi and boring notes. But then something awesome happened! They passed out our instruments! I was almost hyperventilating I was so excited! In fact the girl sitting next to me kept looking at me. I don't think there was anyone as excited as me!
After receiving my very own instruments I went to lunch with a few girls from the program. It was awesome! I am really excited about the other girls I am meeting. We ate at Panera...yes Chelsea I did it! You were right it was delicious :)
After we got back to class my teacher surprised us with an awesome tooth morphology DYD! Our very own tooth and gingiva model:
The teeth COME OUT!!!!!! SO AWESOME!
a set of teeth that are just loose,
and an awesome coloring book of Head and neck anatomy!
O my goodness I cannot wait! Now I just have to sit down with my books and really get into this! I am so pumped!!!!
I know the hard work is coming so very soon! But I am so so very excited about it!
And if this isn't enough today I started the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred! This video made my sister look SO HOT right before her wedding! I am determined to look just as hot! What a wonderful week!!!!
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