Baby Carriage

It's been a while... William and I had our 2 year anniversary this weekend. There are so many things about marriage no one tells you. How hard it is at first...I was unprepared for that. I learned our newlywed stage was not when we were first marriage. Instead I feel it is just now starting. I have an amazing  husband. He supports me. Loves me. When I didn't have a full time job for the first year of our marriage, he supported me. He never pushed me or made me feel like less of a person because I was not earning money. That's a rarity I was unaware that I had. 

Well our beautiful relationship had progressed about how you'd expect. You know the saying...

First comes Love, then comes Marriage, Then comes (bride's name here) with a baby carriage.

We had the love. We have a wonderful marriage, But where's my baby carriage? While William and I were dating we discussed the normal things that are discussed when you are headed toward marriage. I knew he wanted the traditional 2.5 kids. I also wanted those beautiful babies. I had one stipulation, I asked that we have our children young. I have no desire to have a baby at 35, I really have no desire to have a baby at 30. I wanted to have toddlers by the time I was 30. Why the rush? It's because my parents were always the older parents, They're not old by any means but they are older than my friend's parents. My grandparents... They were old. My grandfather would have been 107 this year. I never knew either of my grandfathers and my grandmothers were/are elderly. I felt like I missed out on that. So I wanted my children to have their grandparents... I didn't want my children to have to worry about my health when they are in their 20s. The way I sometimes worry about my father's health.  Long story short..

William and I started trying to have a baby in October of 2013. It's been 10 months of, "Sorry, not this month. Maybe next month." I have been told a year is normal. Most couples try for a year without successfully conceiving. SO I am in this weird spot...I can't classify myself as infertile but I am definitely not fertile. It's devastating to try in a month and have the answer be no. Multiply that times 10...That makes me feel infertile. But technically right now I'm not infertile..Just unlucky.

I've gone through many stages while trying to conceive.. First; it was excitement. I would think, "This just wasn't meant to be the month. And I'm okay with that! It'll happen when it's supposed to." Next; it was, " Well this sucks." I would start seeing symptoms of pregnancy around the time of my period. It's like I would make myself tired, and blame my tiredness on being pregnant. My Boobs are sore...I'm definitely pregnant. I'm not sure if you know this blogsphere...All the symptoms of a period are the symptoms of early pregnancy. SO I would get so excited! Then; We started using ovulation sticks..I knew when and if I was fertile, we would do the baby dance and I would think IT HAS TO BE THIS MONTH! Right?! I've done everything correctly...Nope sorry. (During this time all these people around me announced they were expecting. That hurts more than you expect. The ones that suck the most are the ones that aren't even trying. Or in a stable relationship. Every baby I see I think oh wow how cute! I want one! I want to have that relationship with another human being. It hurts to see your friends as new mothers when all you want is to be a mother. It hurts to see the congratulations that are given to those who are expecting. But you can't say that. It's selfish. I would want to be happy for my friends. I would tell them I was happy for them, then realize that I'm lying through my teeth. I'm jealous. I'm angry. Then I would feel like a horrible person. Something that makes me feel even worse... I constantly think...if my sister-in-law, or my cousin, or another person really close to me gets pregnant before me..it will be a problem. I will either cry or scream or literally lock myself away in my house. I know I'm being overly dramatic but honestly I don't know how I would handle that. ) Anger...that's the best way to describe my feelings in this 3rd stage. Now: Acceptance I guess. I'm still upset. I'm WAAAAYYY emotional but I'm not crying. I'm trying to shift my focus to concentrate on something else in my life... saving to build a house. My career..But really, every. single. day I am picturing what my baby will look like. Wishing so hard that I get headaches. I wish I could say I'm praying...I haven't been. Not about this. Not anymore. I'm just waiting at this point...Waiting for that year mark when I can go to my doctor and the testing will start. I'm almost hoping there is something wrong. Then I could address it and I could finally have a baby. 

On a side note: around the time William and I were using ovulation sticks it was about 8 months in our "journey" and I was angry. Like I said all my friends were getting pregnant and the questions were starting..When are you and William going to have a baby? When do you want to have one? So I would respond truthfully..Whenever God blesses us with one we're ready... Or We're trying! I started to talk to people. It was out that we were trying. I would say it's been 8 months... Do you want to know the worst and most aggravating response..."It'll happen when you stop trying" How do you stop trying? Once that desire is burning in you, how do you stop trying? 

I also work at a dentist office. I take radiographs everyday. My OB-GYN told me she didn't want me taking x-rays when I'm pregnant..so every time I think I may be pregnant I tell the assistant. That has been 2 of the most embarrassing times in my life. To go to one of my friends and say...We;re so excited... It's a real possibility it's happened this month.. and then boom. period. So I have to tell her false alarm. I have told the assistant twice because well...I have been 4 days late 2 times since we started. Those are the hardest months. This was one of those months. I really, honest to goodness thought...Oh BABY!!! I'm having a baby! Then that annoying little visitor would come. Currently my visitor is here and I feel like it's taunting me... My brain keeps saying...Maybe you're not supposed to have a baby... Your body is not having a baby because you'll be a horrible mother....

I will say my husband is a great guy! He's handles all my mood swings gracefully,  been a shoulder for me to cry one. Expressed his frustration along with me. We've prayed together. I honestly feel like we're closer than we have been in a while. 

but...

I just want a baby. 

I just don't want to feel damaged anymore. 

I want this feeling of sorrow to go away. 

I don't want to be jealous. 

I want to be called momma.

I want to be a momma.