You are so loved

Baby Walker,
     You are so loved. I haven't met you yet, you haven't even been conceived yet; even so, you are so loved. I have dreams of you. Full of shining bright eyes, perfect little toes, cute little fingers, adorable curling hair. And then I wake up. I hold fiercely to that picture of you. You are so loved.
     Did you know you're a miracle? Did you know you're my life's goal? I can't wait to see you, hold you, love you, rock you to sleep.
      I just haven't met you yet.
      I'm waiting on my miracle.  I think maybe Cinderella's Fairy Godmother said it best:
           

 

   My perfect miracle, I will hold you someday. But until then, you my dear, are so loved.

Weighting For MY Baby

So so much has happened since my previous post. We have completed our initial testing. There were so many tests run, I kept thinking/hoping I would update the blog but I couldn't. It's like I was waiting. Waiting until all my answers came back. Until all our ducks were in a row. Well here we are...Here are our ducks.
I posted in the last update that I had successfully ovulated. As it turns out my OB decided that although my numbers were within the range of ovulation it was not a "strong" ovulation. (Her words) She then tested me for prolactin levels.. Mine were normal.
Which lead us to the next test. Here she found that I am Insulin Resistant. Basically meaning I have PCOS. This fertility problem is something so many are struggling with. I have suspected for many years that I have had PCOS. Like many, I knew that if I was diagnosed with this problem it meant dieting and exercise. In my case it also mean being put on a medication called Glucophage (it's more commonly known by it's generic name: Metformin) this raised my eyebrows! I have a VERY limited background in pharmacology. ( I had to take maybe 2 to 3 semesters of a pharmacology class in college in order to become a dental hygienist.) so I have an extremely baseline idea of what Metformin is. Basically I know its used as a treatment for type II diabetes. Which lead me to my next question...AM I DIABETIC?
The good news: no, I am not quite there. I have a more increased chance of being diabetic when I am older but at this point I am simply insulin resistant.
Good news, definitely. Upsetting news? maybe. Many thoughts ran through my head... Basically they all cumulated into "I did this to myself" Are our fertility issues are stemming from the fact that I have gained 40+ pounds since I married my wonderful husband? That's a tough pill to swallow. I understand that it is not all my fault. But my brain has this funny way of going straight to that thought. This is your fault. Coming to accept this new problem was an easy and also a not so easy task.
Let me just tell you.. I am not a good "dieter" I love my food! In my opinion, there is not many things in this world better than a really good coca cola. I'm also not ashamed to say I absolutely love desserts! Also let me confess; I am from the south...Where ever we go, we eat. Every church event, family get together, and visit to your grandma's house involves some meal. These are not small meals either. Literally every Sunday we are eating 2 large meals (meals that rival a thanksgiving feast). To add to this dieting difficulty, I have been placed on a diet at Thanksgiving. So this girl that enjoys her food is having it offered at every turn.
Now don't think I'm complaining. This is a blessing. But it's also a hurdle. So in order to make it through these large meals I have started a slogan that I keep repeating. It's now a daily mantra.. Anytime I feel weak, or I don't want to go to the gym I just tell myself...You're "weighting" for your baby!
This new saying has gotten my booty in the gym and gotten me to turn down those chips at the mexican restaurant. I have been a cheater this week (a really bad one actually) but I know that Baby is weighting on me too. So I have not given up.

If this weren't enough, we also have another obstacle to face. As it turns out my truly amazing husband also has a few concerns. He has completed a couple of tests that have turned out to also be a small challenge. At the first analysis it was determined that all of his levels looked good with the exception of one. The forward motion was lacking. Instead of going straight a considerable amount of his contribution was veering off course. Since there was an issue with his first test my doctor sent him back to the other office to repeat. What we found was puzzling. Again all levels were looking good with the exception of one. The craziest part...It wasn't the same concern as before. This time they did swim straight but their shape was off.

Here we began talking options again. My doctor offered me many options but in the end we hoped that once I have been on Metformin a couple of months and I have lost the necessary weight my ovulation will be come "stronger" and I will begin ovulating every month. Maybe once that happens we will be able to get pregnant. If it does not happen in a couple of months (the number of months is up to William and me) We can always try a medication name Clomid (this medication basically makes me ovulate and this ovulation is almost scheduled). A major side effect of Clomid is I may become "witchy" (again my Doctor's words). Try this a couple of months and if it doesn't work, we can move on to IUI.

While discussing these options and timelines I asked the doctor, what do you think we need to do? should we skip straight to the Clomid? Or maybe even skip straight to IUI. The doctor told me she couldn't tell me what to do but we need to do what works best for us. She did say, with both of us having complications our best bet is IUI.

So here we are:
                           Part 3, Step1: fertility testing complete- We got answers. Although the
                                             problems are not as easily fixed as we hoped; they are still fixable.
                          Part 3, Step 2: Diet and exercise while taking Metformin
                     If we are not pregnant by February, we will move to Part 3, Step 3: Clomid

I'm Happy for you, But I'm sad for me.

Dear Friend/ Acquaintance/Random person on Youtube,
You just announced you are pregnant. The joy on your face says it all. Your family and friends are all excitedly commenting on your post their congratulations! I "like" the post hoping that is enough. Because I'm happy for you but sad for me.
I've not seen you for many years. But I feel as if I still kind of know whats going on in your life due to your Facebook/blogger/twitter/general social media websites. I noticed when you started dating that pretty good looking fella (around the time I started dating my pretty handsome man). I liked many of your wedding photos you posted after your nuptials last year. Now here it is. Your precious blessing is being announced to the world. I really mean it when I say I am happy for you! I am so excited you will get to experience the joy of having a tiny human barge into your life. Again I'm happy for you but sad for me.
I feel as if our journey has almost coincided. Until this point. Then I realize... we have been trying longer than you have been married. I can't stress this enough..I am happy for you but sad for me.
As I scroll passed your new, completely adorable, baby announcement I see a video that I am urged to see by the general Facebook community. It says you must see this! How cute is this baby announcement! So of course I click! As I watch it I start tearing up. How exciting and precious this moment is for this couple! The link said they tried for over a year! We are in the same boat as they were! I will get my moment! So I start crying as the new father begins to cry. Because he is so happy! And I am so happy...you guessed it.. Happy for them, sad for us.

Sincerely,
Your acquaintance/random social media stalker


I'm hoping that letter didn't seem bitter, I promise I'm not bitter! Because I am truly happy for those who are nurturing their little blessings! As their journey into parenthood begins, Our journey into fertility testing continues.
I have great news! I'm about to over share (I feel like this whole blog is now an over share)...
Dun Duh DUNNNN... I OVULATED! (insert applause here!)
Last Wednesday I got a flashing smiley face on my ovulation tester. SO hooray!! That means it was my peak day of ovulation! I immediately called my OB and set up a blood work appointment. I go in tomorrow to have blood drawn to check my level of progesterone. William goes to a specialist day after tomorrow to start his testing. It's our first big expense. But at this point an answer will be worth every penny!

Lastly, please let me express how amazing all of you are. The outpouring of love we have received since my last blog post has been overwhelming. I'm not much of a sharer (that cannot be a real word) in real life. I'm a plaster a smile on your face and go on about your business type so it was very hard for me to post anything. Even more difficult to make it public. Everyone was so sweet to us. My bosses, my co-workers, my friends, my family. Each kind word and hug has been more help than you can imagine. I know through most of them I have been so awkward but like I said I'm not a sharer. I hope you understand why I awkwardly changed the subject after about 2 seconds! Seriously though, Thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of my heart!

So Part 3, Step 1, Section A: ovulation testing completed and subsequent blood work begins tomorrow, I will update you as the results come in (if there is anyone actually reading this).

Part 3, Step 1:

   Today felt like a beginning. Y'all it's officially been a full 12 months (well technically 13 but who is counting :)) So I guess today was a middle...But it felt like a beginning.

I'm not making any sense...

Quick recap:
Part 1: First comes love, then comes marriage, then Eden and William decide to have a baby.
Part 2: 12 months of trying to have a baby. 12 difficult, trying, overwhelming, months. (although this time hasn't been an easy part of our lives it's a part of my life that I have learned so much. I will always remember how hard this part of my life has been but I will also remember that there was sunshine through every cloudy day)
Part 3: (this is our new beginning) We go to my lady doctor and finally start making a real plan.

   So here we are. Part 3. I honestly thought I would be anxious but nope...I'm excited! We have a plan. We are moving forward. I am praying for answers. I know I've blogged this before but I am kind of hoping there is something wrong... Now don't freak out... I don't want to have a major problem, I'm hoping for a hormonal imbalance. Something that is wrong but not too wrong. I realize how bad that looks/ reads. I know there are people out there who are wishing with everything they have that there is nothing wrong with them. but hopefully in this instance my hope to have a small, fixable problem will make sense to everyone reading this.
    How do we get answers? We start asking the right questions. Question #1: Are my progesterone levels correct? What exactly is Progesterone, you may ask? That's a great question that I myself have been wondering.

pro·ges·ter·one

prōˈjestəˌrōn/

noun

BIOCHEMISTRY

1. a steroid hormone released by the corpus luteum that stimulates the uterus to prepare for pregnancy.

I'm Sorry Google...WHAT?!
  Best I can understand: it prepares the uterus for pregnancy by thickening the lining. This hormone drops when its time for the lady visitor to come by. But if you have been blessed by a miracle and your precious new baby has been implanted in that thick lining then your body will continually produce this hormone until it's time to deliver! That's only if every thing is working correctly. Sometimes your brain doesn't produce enough of this hormone to send the message to the rest of your body that you're pregnant. Meaning you may have a successful meeting of the mom and dad, and the baby may implant in the uterus but that hormone isn't sending the message to everyone else in the body so boom...period, no baby in 9 months.
   Bad news: This could be why we have not had a baby in 13 months.
   Good news: All it takes is a blood test to know if your level of progesterone is low. And there's a        
                       pill that can put you at the right level.

Part 3, Step 1: I have to begin taking ovulation tests again (not fun..they aren't the cheapest thing in the world. Not to mention we have used them for several months so that is adding up..Not trying to complain just trying to be real. This crap ain't cheap.) Once I get a positive I need to call and book a lab appointment to have blood drawn between the days 5 and 7 of my cycle. If I do NOT get a positive day of ovulation this month I have to go around day 22 of my cycle.

So there is it folks. The first step to this problem solving mission. Maybe this is our answer...I'll let you know later this month!

1. 
   

   
   

   
   

Praying Continually

This is the first month in a long time..The first month I have hope again. I'm not sure why I have hope this month but I do.
I know for a fact:
          we baby danced for at least 3 days before ovulation
          we baby danced twice on day of ovulation (would have been more but hey... if you both work 8
               hours a day and then have to get home there's just not time for any more)
These are the reasons I'm so hopeful. Maybe just Maybe it will happen
I keep praying. I'm keeping the faith. I hope I am not crushed...Now the wait begins.

Please God bless me with a Baby Walker!
                           

Not Again...

My first thought today when I went to the bathroom and saw the first signs of my lady visitor was: Not again. I know I will be okay. But this first sign..it stole my breath. So this is the 11 month/cycle. Eleven.
I want so bad to be ok. And I am. I want to be happy. And I am. But currently I cannot breath. It's possibly because I have given up hope. I knew this month wasn't it. I told William the other day.. I don't feel anything. I felt empty. I felt not pregnant. I've never been pregnant but I knew somehow that I still wasn't. Because I just felt empty, void.
So eleven.... I read an article today and it said:

11 percent of married women under 29 also experienced infertility. In that age group, infertility is defined as one year of trying and failing to conceive.

One year of trying and FAILING to conceive. (that also stole my breath) So by definition, I am not technically infertile. And this is an internal battle I have been waging since about the 6 month of trying. 
Another thing I have been struggling with recently is telling people that we have been trying. Because of this definition. Also because it's private, but I want to share this with people. 

I know there are so many others out there that have been trying for so much longer than we have. I've been reading other blogs about women who have been trying 40 months... And I feel for those women. I pray for those women. But I have to realize this does not diminish this journey I am going through currently. 

What part of the journey are we on? Month/cycle 11
I am classifying this as the waiting portion of this journey. That's because: I am waiting, waiting for the 12th month so that I can contact my doctor to schedule testing. Mostly I am waiting on the Lord. 

Mommy

My mom, sister and I have this habit of discussing habits...
We talk about how my dad and brother sit at the table the exact same way. That my sister is a little more self contained, my mom is very truthful, and I am very outgoing.
During one of these discussions we decided that my mom is a mom. My sister is a Mama. And I will be a Mommy.
All these words mean the same thing: but to me they make me picture slightly different people. I picture my mom as a sweet, caring person, who doesn't let anything get passed her. She will tell you the truth even the hard truths. My sister (Mama): exciting, creative, protective, wonderful. Then there's me (Mommy) Overly caring, almost sugary sweet, happy. All great things to be.
I was hanging out with one of my closest friends tonight. She knew I was having a hard time last night. My little time of sadness was hard to get over. I'm not completely over it but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of melancholy. last night was overwhelming. During this overwhelming time I was texting my friend. She came over today with a smoothie...I also failed to mention this friend is a 17 year old so for her to be that sweet and concerned about me...that says a lot. Either way we were together for most of the day. When she left me, she told me "You're going to be a great mom one day"
I crave that day.
Eden, You're going to be a great mommy one day.

Baby Walker

Here it is, I'm sad. I don't know what to say. I don't know war to do so I'm just going to type. Type without thinking. In literature class during college my professor would say just start writing and eventually you will be able to get to the point. Don't expect me to get there soon.. I've been thinking about Baby Walker all day today. What do I do? Brittany and I talked about it at work today. She explained that she and her husband had to try for a long time to have their daughter. and that things worked out better because of it. I could see it. I understand. and i bet if that happens in my life yes it will help. I responded with I have started to think and worry less about getting pregnant and being more worried about if there is something actually wrong... That was just a little white lie. Although it's something that I am anxious about it;s still not my main concern. But my thoughts of Baby walker aren't constant anymore. So that's good. Also today i found out one of William's friends is pregnant. And that's great! I was so happy for her that I squealed...literally in the middle of the front office of my place of work. They've been married about 2 years longer than we have. And they have been trying just a little longer than us. I was genuinely happy for them. I understand the pain they are going through. But since then I have been constantly thinking...Baby, Baby Walker, Nurseries, Annslee, Pierce.... 

It really doesn't help that I work at a pediatric dental office. I cleaned several 2 and 3 year old baby teeth all day. I see pregnant people all the time in my work... Im so blessed in my job. Im so blessed in my marriage... I'm happy. but I'm also sad...bc well I'm a woman. 

I'm going to have so much love for my baby when it's my turn. 

My head hurts, I feel like i want to/ should cry but I just can't. I have to know God will bless us when it's time. I have faith. I hope I've given this to God. I hope that my urge to cry and not being able to cry or having a desire to cry shows that I know God will do what he sees fit. And if that means no Baby Walker...Well then no Baby Walker. But I'm not giving up. 

And while I'm waiting, I'm praying.

Baby Carriage

It's been a while... William and I had our 2 year anniversary this weekend. There are so many things about marriage no one tells you. How hard it is at first...I was unprepared for that. I learned our newlywed stage was not when we were first marriage. Instead I feel it is just now starting. I have an amazing  husband. He supports me. Loves me. When I didn't have a full time job for the first year of our marriage, he supported me. He never pushed me or made me feel like less of a person because I was not earning money. That's a rarity I was unaware that I had. 

Well our beautiful relationship had progressed about how you'd expect. You know the saying...

First comes Love, then comes Marriage, Then comes (bride's name here) with a baby carriage.

We had the love. We have a wonderful marriage, But where's my baby carriage? While William and I were dating we discussed the normal things that are discussed when you are headed toward marriage. I knew he wanted the traditional 2.5 kids. I also wanted those beautiful babies. I had one stipulation, I asked that we have our children young. I have no desire to have a baby at 35, I really have no desire to have a baby at 30. I wanted to have toddlers by the time I was 30. Why the rush? It's because my parents were always the older parents, They're not old by any means but they are older than my friend's parents. My grandparents... They were old. My grandfather would have been 107 this year. I never knew either of my grandfathers and my grandmothers were/are elderly. I felt like I missed out on that. So I wanted my children to have their grandparents... I didn't want my children to have to worry about my health when they are in their 20s. The way I sometimes worry about my father's health.  Long story short..

William and I started trying to have a baby in October of 2013. It's been 10 months of, "Sorry, not this month. Maybe next month." I have been told a year is normal. Most couples try for a year without successfully conceiving. SO I am in this weird spot...I can't classify myself as infertile but I am definitely not fertile. It's devastating to try in a month and have the answer be no. Multiply that times 10...That makes me feel infertile. But technically right now I'm not infertile..Just unlucky.

I've gone through many stages while trying to conceive.. First; it was excitement. I would think, "This just wasn't meant to be the month. And I'm okay with that! It'll happen when it's supposed to." Next; it was, " Well this sucks." I would start seeing symptoms of pregnancy around the time of my period. It's like I would make myself tired, and blame my tiredness on being pregnant. My Boobs are sore...I'm definitely pregnant. I'm not sure if you know this blogsphere...All the symptoms of a period are the symptoms of early pregnancy. SO I would get so excited! Then; We started using ovulation sticks..I knew when and if I was fertile, we would do the baby dance and I would think IT HAS TO BE THIS MONTH! Right?! I've done everything correctly...Nope sorry. (During this time all these people around me announced they were expecting. That hurts more than you expect. The ones that suck the most are the ones that aren't even trying. Or in a stable relationship. Every baby I see I think oh wow how cute! I want one! I want to have that relationship with another human being. It hurts to see your friends as new mothers when all you want is to be a mother. It hurts to see the congratulations that are given to those who are expecting. But you can't say that. It's selfish. I would want to be happy for my friends. I would tell them I was happy for them, then realize that I'm lying through my teeth. I'm jealous. I'm angry. Then I would feel like a horrible person. Something that makes me feel even worse... I constantly think...if my sister-in-law, or my cousin, or another person really close to me gets pregnant before me..it will be a problem. I will either cry or scream or literally lock myself away in my house. I know I'm being overly dramatic but honestly I don't know how I would handle that. ) Anger...that's the best way to describe my feelings in this 3rd stage. Now: Acceptance I guess. I'm still upset. I'm WAAAAYYY emotional but I'm not crying. I'm trying to shift my focus to concentrate on something else in my life... saving to build a house. My career..But really, every. single. day I am picturing what my baby will look like. Wishing so hard that I get headaches. I wish I could say I'm praying...I haven't been. Not about this. Not anymore. I'm just waiting at this point...Waiting for that year mark when I can go to my doctor and the testing will start. I'm almost hoping there is something wrong. Then I could address it and I could finally have a baby. 

On a side note: around the time William and I were using ovulation sticks it was about 8 months in our "journey" and I was angry. Like I said all my friends were getting pregnant and the questions were starting..When are you and William going to have a baby? When do you want to have one? So I would respond truthfully..Whenever God blesses us with one we're ready... Or We're trying! I started to talk to people. It was out that we were trying. I would say it's been 8 months... Do you want to know the worst and most aggravating response..."It'll happen when you stop trying" How do you stop trying? Once that desire is burning in you, how do you stop trying? 

I also work at a dentist office. I take radiographs everyday. My OB-GYN told me she didn't want me taking x-rays when I'm pregnant..so every time I think I may be pregnant I tell the assistant. That has been 2 of the most embarrassing times in my life. To go to one of my friends and say...We;re so excited... It's a real possibility it's happened this month.. and then boom. period. So I have to tell her false alarm. I have told the assistant twice because well...I have been 4 days late 2 times since we started. Those are the hardest months. This was one of those months. I really, honest to goodness thought...Oh BABY!!! I'm having a baby! Then that annoying little visitor would come. Currently my visitor is here and I feel like it's taunting me... My brain keeps saying...Maybe you're not supposed to have a baby... Your body is not having a baby because you'll be a horrible mother....

I will say my husband is a great guy! He's handles all my mood swings gracefully,  been a shoulder for me to cry one. Expressed his frustration along with me. We've prayed together. I honestly feel like we're closer than we have been in a while. 

but...

I just want a baby. 

I just don't want to feel damaged anymore. 

I want this feeling of sorrow to go away. 

I don't want to be jealous. 

I want to be called momma.

I want to be a momma.