Hannah Faith

     In May, we had our first IUI. It was a time of learning. I learned what heart burn felt like, I know about hCg levels, and chemical pregnancies. I also learned God will get you through all sorts of situations you never thought you could handle. 
     You see, it worked! YAY!! We got a positive pregnancy test. I went in for blood work and everything seemed normal.They requirement is that your hCg levels double every 2 days, That indicates a normal pregnancy. They asked me to come back and nothing was normal...My levels had suspended. They asked me back again and saw that the levels were falling.  I was told then that I was experiencing a Chemical pregnancy. They try to tell you that you weren't ever truly pregnant. Since it's so early and there was no physical characteristics of a pregnancy (they couldn't detect it on an ultrasound) they determined my pregnancy was chemical. There was never a "real baby." William and I have a problem with that. God's creation is a life. No matter how early. Our baby was our first baby. For the next couple of weeks I went through a very trying time of waiting. I was ok waiting to find out if I was pregnant; but waiting to lose the baby was torture. They tell you it's coming and you try to prepare yourself but there is no way to make yourself ready to see the evidence of that life coming to an end. Through faith and prayer we were able to make it through this trial in our lives. 
                                              There is no one holy like the Lord;
                                                         there is no one besides you;
                                                         there is no Rock like our God.
                                                                                   1st Samuel 2:2

        There is a woman in the Bible named Hannah. She was a strong, well loved woman. She also happened to be barren.  Many use her journey as an inspiration for their infertility. I am also one of those people. This story became the the hope I was desperate for. As I read about her life I was so inspired by her faith. She truly believed in God's grace and goodness! 

         Perhaps that's why we named our baby Hannah Faith.  Hannah was due early February. We lost her when I was close to 5 weeks pregnant (super early, I know, but it still counts). Let me admit something to all of y'all, All of you announcing pregnancy that are due in February...You're killing me. But I'm happy for y'all. Sad for us. 


         So with heavy hearts, lots of prayers, and our Doctor's permission; we started our second round of fertility treatments. The positive side: we know we can get pregnant! I consider that a huge positive. Another positive is that our doctor sees no reason why we would have another chemical pregnancy. Saying that, it is difficult to move on so quickly. Another worry is that if we do have another chemical pregnancy we will have to start more tests and make sure nothing else is wrong with me. 

   This Sunday we had our second treatment. So here we are waiting. Waiting to take another pregnancy test and see if it worked again. Waiting to see if that test is positive. Then the real wait will start. I am praying we will not have another chemical pregnancy. My sweet friend Amanda said she is praying for a sustained life. I just love that prayer and I pray for that everyday. 

    Trying to keep my nerves from going nuts. Trying to stay calm. Mostly We're praying. 

Space Mountain

Our last 7 days have been a roller coaster. 

While I've been on many roller coasters in my life. None is quite like Space Mountain. It may be because I am slightly obsessed with Disney. The wonder and magic of Disney is truly enchanting. Out of all the rides in Disney World, Space mountain holds the most mystery and possibly the most magic. 

Starting with the incredibly long line. I mean this thing is a monster. Full of "windows" where you can see the stars and all these planets. Some people that know the park understand this is one ride you have to get a fast pass or you will be stuck waiting for the ride of your life. This week we missed our fast pass. There was no skipping the lines for us. We have had to endure all the twists and turns of the line, wait patiently as those who were able, passed us and got to their goal. We abided by all the rules, and finally we get to the front of the line where the nice cast member asks, "How many are in your party?" We so want to reply 3, but sadly, here is the time we say 2, please. 

Something I have always noticed about this ride is the spaceship you are placed in only has 4 seats total, They are all right behind each other. So it's almost like you are only aware of the person in front of you and the person immediately behind you. 

We board our space ship excitedly awaiting our take off. So much anticipation in our hearts. This is going to be the best ride of our lives. You're accelerated quickly and off you go. 

Here is where our week really started. In this ride it is completely dark except for a few flashing lights. Your senses are almost completely overwhelmed by the sounds, wind on your face, people screaming all around you. 

Like any good roller coaster all you can do is hang on and enjoy the ride. 

I said all of that to say this: IUI is exactly like Space Mountain. 

The line I spoke about: I have been watching so many loved ones and friends get their fast pass. Their pregnancy that is the biggest blessing. And just like the fast pass, I am so excited you get to ride but I sure wish I had that pass. Also just like the line I know if I am patient and wait on the Lord I will eventually come to the front of the line. 

That cast member that asked about how many is riding; That's all of you. You're being so supportive and loving. You're asking all these questions because you care and saying so many things because you care. I just so wish I could turn to you and say: there's now three in our small party. And yet it seems we are still only 2 riders on this journey. 

The spaceship: While I know there are others before me who have had this problem it's so hard to see those who have already gotten through this journey. Saying that, I always know William has my back. He is the protector who will always take care of me. He is the perfect support for me. I can't say enough about him. I'm so glad he is the person supporting me. 

The anticipation: all the treatment you have to endure before you even able to schedule the IUI. The pills, ultrasounds, shots.

The acceleration: The IUI. Although definitely not enjoyable was not the worst thing I have ever experienced. Then the real ride begins. 

The ride: the 2 week wait. I'm not sure if you guys know anything about the 2ww but it is awful. You cannot do anything to help anything. You just have to live. Try your best not to be stressed and honestly just let it go. 

Just when you think the ride is over, there is one more hill, the one you would never expect. Here I am. Unexpectedly free falling. Praying, Hoping something good comes from this round of IUI but realizing this ride has to end sometime. I also have to realize, once this free fall ends The ride will end. I will have to go back to the very beginning. Starting over in the long line. Watching everyone with their fast passes. But I am so willing to ride this ride as many times as necessary. It will be worth it. Because one of these days I will get to the front of the line and tell the cast member I need 3 seats in this spaceship. 

Until then. I'm trying to enjoy the ride.