One scarred hand to the other.

My sins are too many to count. They are too many to categorize. They are too many to even fathom.

I have a problem with my sins....I cannot let them go.

There is a song I love by Casting Crowns called East to West. Several lines are currently repeating in my head over and over and over and over and over. This is what it says:

I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other




What a wonderful thought! Right?! That my sins are spread from the East to the West. But I keep thinking about that one line, "I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again."

My most recent sins. The ones I count among the worst. They are rising up in me constantly.

I image this is how a prisoner would feel. At least one that actually regrets the activity that has gotten them into their current living conditions. It's like the white walls are a constant reminder of what they have done. For me, it's everyone I see around me that are the reminder.

I should have been better.
Known Better.
Chose Better.
Lived Better.

And yet the choices I've made have lead me to basically running through my local Wal Mart to get away from those that I felt were going to be some of the most disappointed in me.


See what I mean people? I have never been able to let go of my own sins. He has already forgiven me for every sin I will commit. Every sin I have committed.

The part of this post that is the most difficult for me to comprehend is that I have to forgive myself.

I say Grace.

When I was 8 years old I begged Jesus to come into my life. Literally I got down on my knees and pleaded that he would save me.

At this age, did I truly understand what he was saving me from? At the tender age of 8 did I understand the commitment that I was undertaking?

Maybe I will never be able to answer these questions. What I do know is that night when I knelt down I couldn't wait to talk to this man Jesus. My heart pounded so hard that I just knew when I opened my eyes it would be laying on the floor. Can you imagine something feeling that urgent especially to an 8 year old?

Another question:

Have you ever met someone famous? I have.
It was an experience I will never forget. I got such a rush. I couldn't even speak. The guy had to ask me if I would like a picture with him! For the first time in my life I was speechless. Literally.

One more question:

Have you ever read a book that made you have an emotional reaction? Example, Twilight caused millions of people to have an obsession.

To my 8 year old self, this book was the Bible, and the famous person was Jesus.
I know these feelings still apply and yet they feel dulled.

Truth: If I saw Jesus right now in this moment I would be speechless. But it shouldn't be that I would need to see him to be speechless. I should be in constant awe of the power and love of Jesus.


What does this boil down to?
1. I feel lukewarm and I hate it.
2. I should read the Bible so that it will become my renewed obsession.
3. I should be what I seem to be to others around me.
4. I crave to be that 8 year old with that simple understanding.