Praying Continually

This is the first month in a long time..The first month I have hope again. I'm not sure why I have hope this month but I do.
I know for a fact:
          we baby danced for at least 3 days before ovulation
          we baby danced twice on day of ovulation (would have been more but hey... if you both work 8
               hours a day and then have to get home there's just not time for any more)
These are the reasons I'm so hopeful. Maybe just Maybe it will happen
I keep praying. I'm keeping the faith. I hope I am not crushed...Now the wait begins.

Please God bless me with a Baby Walker!
                           

Not Again...

My first thought today when I went to the bathroom and saw the first signs of my lady visitor was: Not again. I know I will be okay. But this first sign..it stole my breath. So this is the 11 month/cycle. Eleven.
I want so bad to be ok. And I am. I want to be happy. And I am. But currently I cannot breath. It's possibly because I have given up hope. I knew this month wasn't it. I told William the other day.. I don't feel anything. I felt empty. I felt not pregnant. I've never been pregnant but I knew somehow that I still wasn't. Because I just felt empty, void.
So eleven.... I read an article today and it said:

11 percent of married women under 29 also experienced infertility. In that age group, infertility is defined as one year of trying and failing to conceive.

One year of trying and FAILING to conceive. (that also stole my breath) So by definition, I am not technically infertile. And this is an internal battle I have been waging since about the 6 month of trying. 
Another thing I have been struggling with recently is telling people that we have been trying. Because of this definition. Also because it's private, but I want to share this with people. 

I know there are so many others out there that have been trying for so much longer than we have. I've been reading other blogs about women who have been trying 40 months... And I feel for those women. I pray for those women. But I have to realize this does not diminish this journey I am going through currently. 

What part of the journey are we on? Month/cycle 11
I am classifying this as the waiting portion of this journey. That's because: I am waiting, waiting for the 12th month so that I can contact my doctor to schedule testing. Mostly I am waiting on the Lord. 

Mommy

My mom, sister and I have this habit of discussing habits...
We talk about how my dad and brother sit at the table the exact same way. That my sister is a little more self contained, my mom is very truthful, and I am very outgoing.
During one of these discussions we decided that my mom is a mom. My sister is a Mama. And I will be a Mommy.
All these words mean the same thing: but to me they make me picture slightly different people. I picture my mom as a sweet, caring person, who doesn't let anything get passed her. She will tell you the truth even the hard truths. My sister (Mama): exciting, creative, protective, wonderful. Then there's me (Mommy) Overly caring, almost sugary sweet, happy. All great things to be.
I was hanging out with one of my closest friends tonight. She knew I was having a hard time last night. My little time of sadness was hard to get over. I'm not completely over it but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of melancholy. last night was overwhelming. During this overwhelming time I was texting my friend. She came over today with a smoothie...I also failed to mention this friend is a 17 year old so for her to be that sweet and concerned about me...that says a lot. Either way we were together for most of the day. When she left me, she told me "You're going to be a great mom one day"
I crave that day.
Eden, You're going to be a great mommy one day.

Baby Walker

Here it is, I'm sad. I don't know what to say. I don't know war to do so I'm just going to type. Type without thinking. In literature class during college my professor would say just start writing and eventually you will be able to get to the point. Don't expect me to get there soon.. I've been thinking about Baby Walker all day today. What do I do? Brittany and I talked about it at work today. She explained that she and her husband had to try for a long time to have their daughter. and that things worked out better because of it. I could see it. I understand. and i bet if that happens in my life yes it will help. I responded with I have started to think and worry less about getting pregnant and being more worried about if there is something actually wrong... That was just a little white lie. Although it's something that I am anxious about it;s still not my main concern. But my thoughts of Baby walker aren't constant anymore. So that's good. Also today i found out one of William's friends is pregnant. And that's great! I was so happy for her that I squealed...literally in the middle of the front office of my place of work. They've been married about 2 years longer than we have. And they have been trying just a little longer than us. I was genuinely happy for them. I understand the pain they are going through. But since then I have been constantly thinking...Baby, Baby Walker, Nurseries, Annslee, Pierce.... 

It really doesn't help that I work at a pediatric dental office. I cleaned several 2 and 3 year old baby teeth all day. I see pregnant people all the time in my work... Im so blessed in my job. Im so blessed in my marriage... I'm happy. but I'm also sad...bc well I'm a woman. 

I'm going to have so much love for my baby when it's my turn. 

My head hurts, I feel like i want to/ should cry but I just can't. I have to know God will bless us when it's time. I have faith. I hope I've given this to God. I hope that my urge to cry and not being able to cry or having a desire to cry shows that I know God will do what he sees fit. And if that means no Baby Walker...Well then no Baby Walker. But I'm not giving up. 

And while I'm waiting, I'm praying.