This blog has always been my safe space. Where I can admit my feelings and be what I need to be in that moment. Joyous, angry, settled, frustrated, or all at once. It has been where I could unload. And I’m here again. I need to express my feelings once more and shout into the void. But it is more of the same. The struggle hasn’t changed.
Secondary infertility, you may believe it would be easier the second time around, and I foolishly believed that was the case. But here we are again and the feelings haven’t changed, the feelings of self doubt, worthlessness, frustration, and most of all grief.
We began our journey to a second child and hoped it would start last year and the after some life events that was pushed fo January of this year, but like most of my plans, that was not the case. There had been tragedies and victories in the last year. My sister suffered a great tragedy, her youngest son passed. We lost a beloved nephew who was only 5 months old. He was a blessing and a ball of love. Thinking of trying to bring another child into the world so short after that loss was unimaginable. And then a blessing, a niece! My sister-in-law had a beautiful, precious little girl. And it was important to me to not pursue any type of treatment for a while after that sweet girl was born. And then the time came. I called the fertility clinic in February. But then 2020. And the whole world shut down. It took until August for our fertility clinic to open back to a capacity that I could be welcomed back into the practice. Although I was seeing the same doctor and going through the same office, my last pregnancy had been over a year prior so I was a new patient. And we finally started our second journey with an IUI in October.
I thought, this is old news, I responded so well last time. I will get pregnant no problem. And again, I was wrong. We have undergone 2 IUIs with negative results. The doctor I go to will allow 3 before discussing other options. I was told after this last negative test (last Sunday) that If things were not progressing by next IUI we would need to discuss IVF. To put it lightly, I was devastated.
We decided to wait to do another IUI until after at least December. Just due to scheduling. But also, I feel like I needed time. You see, I am going to do another IUI, but I honestly do not feel confident. There’s a nagging negativity in my head that won’t leave. And it has robbed me of any hope I had. I fully expect to have another negative test.
There’s so much grief with each negative test, it’s knowing your body has continued to malfunction. It knowing you have invested more money into a failure. It’s mourning a life that you planned for.
I have been trying to have a child naturally for 8 years and it has never happened. I feel worthless. I mourn over my body that cannot seem to do even the most basic of functions.
And here we are at the precipice of another huge moment. If this IUI doesn’t work... what then? Do we attempt IVF? Is that even an option? Financially it seems impossible.
Since I was told IVF was a possibility, I have thought of little else. When I was trying to conceive our first child, I had this need to carry a child. It felt almost primal. But, with this round, I don’t feel as called to carry a child within me. So adoption has been discussed several times. Which, financially, would be quite difficult.
I have been grieving this week. A shroud of sadness has been surrounding me. I have been quite a mess, if I’m honest. In the moments where I am distracted and can focus on something else, I can fake it. But there have been moments that was impossible. My grief has varied, from a minor tinge in the back of my mind to an all encompassing breakdown. I grieve a dysfunctional body. I grieve the family I created in my mind. I grieve for my daughter who asks for a sibling so very often. Who has prayed to God and asked for mommy to give her a baby brother or sister.
I’m not sure how to end this post. Except to say. I’m praying too. Praying for faith. Trying to remember to wait upon the Lord. And trying my best to be thankful for all I have.
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