Baby Walker

Here it is, I'm sad. I don't know what to say. I don't know war to do so I'm just going to type. Type without thinking. In literature class during college my professor would say just start writing and eventually you will be able to get to the point. Don't expect me to get there soon.. I've been thinking about Baby Walker all day today. What do I do? Brittany and I talked about it at work today. She explained that she and her husband had to try for a long time to have their daughter. and that things worked out better because of it. I could see it. I understand. and i bet if that happens in my life yes it will help. I responded with I have started to think and worry less about getting pregnant and being more worried about if there is something actually wrong... That was just a little white lie. Although it's something that I am anxious about it;s still not my main concern. But my thoughts of Baby walker aren't constant anymore. So that's good. Also today i found out one of William's friends is pregnant. And that's great! I was so happy for her that I squealed...literally in the middle of the front office of my place of work. They've been married about 2 years longer than we have. And they have been trying just a little longer than us. I was genuinely happy for them. I understand the pain they are going through. But since then I have been constantly thinking...Baby, Baby Walker, Nurseries, Annslee, Pierce.... 

It really doesn't help that I work at a pediatric dental office. I cleaned several 2 and 3 year old baby teeth all day. I see pregnant people all the time in my work... Im so blessed in my job. Im so blessed in my marriage... I'm happy. but I'm also sad...bc well I'm a woman. 

I'm going to have so much love for my baby when it's my turn. 

My head hurts, I feel like i want to/ should cry but I just can't. I have to know God will bless us when it's time. I have faith. I hope I've given this to God. I hope that my urge to cry and not being able to cry or having a desire to cry shows that I know God will do what he sees fit. And if that means no Baby Walker...Well then no Baby Walker. But I'm not giving up. 

And while I'm waiting, I'm praying.

Baby Carriage

It's been a while... William and I had our 2 year anniversary this weekend. There are so many things about marriage no one tells you. How hard it is at first...I was unprepared for that. I learned our newlywed stage was not when we were first marriage. Instead I feel it is just now starting. I have an amazing  husband. He supports me. Loves me. When I didn't have a full time job for the first year of our marriage, he supported me. He never pushed me or made me feel like less of a person because I was not earning money. That's a rarity I was unaware that I had. 

Well our beautiful relationship had progressed about how you'd expect. You know the saying...

First comes Love, then comes Marriage, Then comes (bride's name here) with a baby carriage.

We had the love. We have a wonderful marriage, But where's my baby carriage? While William and I were dating we discussed the normal things that are discussed when you are headed toward marriage. I knew he wanted the traditional 2.5 kids. I also wanted those beautiful babies. I had one stipulation, I asked that we have our children young. I have no desire to have a baby at 35, I really have no desire to have a baby at 30. I wanted to have toddlers by the time I was 30. Why the rush? It's because my parents were always the older parents, They're not old by any means but they are older than my friend's parents. My grandparents... They were old. My grandfather would have been 107 this year. I never knew either of my grandfathers and my grandmothers were/are elderly. I felt like I missed out on that. So I wanted my children to have their grandparents... I didn't want my children to have to worry about my health when they are in their 20s. The way I sometimes worry about my father's health.  Long story short..

William and I started trying to have a baby in October of 2013. It's been 10 months of, "Sorry, not this month. Maybe next month." I have been told a year is normal. Most couples try for a year without successfully conceiving. SO I am in this weird spot...I can't classify myself as infertile but I am definitely not fertile. It's devastating to try in a month and have the answer be no. Multiply that times 10...That makes me feel infertile. But technically right now I'm not infertile..Just unlucky.

I've gone through many stages while trying to conceive.. First; it was excitement. I would think, "This just wasn't meant to be the month. And I'm okay with that! It'll happen when it's supposed to." Next; it was, " Well this sucks." I would start seeing symptoms of pregnancy around the time of my period. It's like I would make myself tired, and blame my tiredness on being pregnant. My Boobs are sore...I'm definitely pregnant. I'm not sure if you know this blogsphere...All the symptoms of a period are the symptoms of early pregnancy. SO I would get so excited! Then; We started using ovulation sticks..I knew when and if I was fertile, we would do the baby dance and I would think IT HAS TO BE THIS MONTH! Right?! I've done everything correctly...Nope sorry. (During this time all these people around me announced they were expecting. That hurts more than you expect. The ones that suck the most are the ones that aren't even trying. Or in a stable relationship. Every baby I see I think oh wow how cute! I want one! I want to have that relationship with another human being. It hurts to see your friends as new mothers when all you want is to be a mother. It hurts to see the congratulations that are given to those who are expecting. But you can't say that. It's selfish. I would want to be happy for my friends. I would tell them I was happy for them, then realize that I'm lying through my teeth. I'm jealous. I'm angry. Then I would feel like a horrible person. Something that makes me feel even worse... I constantly think...if my sister-in-law, or my cousin, or another person really close to me gets pregnant before me..it will be a problem. I will either cry or scream or literally lock myself away in my house. I know I'm being overly dramatic but honestly I don't know how I would handle that. ) Anger...that's the best way to describe my feelings in this 3rd stage. Now: Acceptance I guess. I'm still upset. I'm WAAAAYYY emotional but I'm not crying. I'm trying to shift my focus to concentrate on something else in my life... saving to build a house. My career..But really, every. single. day I am picturing what my baby will look like. Wishing so hard that I get headaches. I wish I could say I'm praying...I haven't been. Not about this. Not anymore. I'm just waiting at this point...Waiting for that year mark when I can go to my doctor and the testing will start. I'm almost hoping there is something wrong. Then I could address it and I could finally have a baby. 

On a side note: around the time William and I were using ovulation sticks it was about 8 months in our "journey" and I was angry. Like I said all my friends were getting pregnant and the questions were starting..When are you and William going to have a baby? When do you want to have one? So I would respond truthfully..Whenever God blesses us with one we're ready... Or We're trying! I started to talk to people. It was out that we were trying. I would say it's been 8 months... Do you want to know the worst and most aggravating response..."It'll happen when you stop trying" How do you stop trying? Once that desire is burning in you, how do you stop trying? 

I also work at a dentist office. I take radiographs everyday. My OB-GYN told me she didn't want me taking x-rays when I'm pregnant..so every time I think I may be pregnant I tell the assistant. That has been 2 of the most embarrassing times in my life. To go to one of my friends and say...We;re so excited... It's a real possibility it's happened this month.. and then boom. period. So I have to tell her false alarm. I have told the assistant twice because well...I have been 4 days late 2 times since we started. Those are the hardest months. This was one of those months. I really, honest to goodness thought...Oh BABY!!! I'm having a baby! Then that annoying little visitor would come. Currently my visitor is here and I feel like it's taunting me... My brain keeps saying...Maybe you're not supposed to have a baby... Your body is not having a baby because you'll be a horrible mother....

I will say my husband is a great guy! He's handles all my mood swings gracefully,  been a shoulder for me to cry one. Expressed his frustration along with me. We've prayed together. I honestly feel like we're closer than we have been in a while. 

but...

I just want a baby. 

I just don't want to feel damaged anymore. 

I want this feeling of sorrow to go away. 

I don't want to be jealous. 

I want to be called momma.

I want to be a momma.

OVERLOAD

Short post Comingatcha...
So many things have happened since I last posted in December. I have officially finished school...That fact is still so so surreal to me. I have officially FINISHED school. O man. I could say that a thousand times and still not believe it. I have OFFICIALLY FINISHED school. Just wow.

When I say I am finished I mean it. I have even already taken the 2 tests required to receive my license as a hygienist. The first test was a test that required that I take a patient and clean that patient's teeth at a level that would allow me to pass. Letmetellya: I passed..I not only passed I rocked it!Rocked it as in I got a 100!!! I have never danced for Jesus before but that moment it was me getting down with the big man upstairs. To make the news even better my class found out that EVERYONE in our class passed. We were excited (to say the least). We screamed, some of us literally cried, and most of us just hugged each other knowing that we had conquered something that we had been preparing for since the beginning of the school session.

This was taken April 19, 2012-- Still can't believe it happened and that it has been so long since it has happened.

I have also taken the written exam. Actually I have just taken the written exam this week. I have not gotten the results back and it will be a while before I do. I am not very confident about this test. It was very difficult. I am hoping I will be able to tell everyone I have passed this test as well but alas I will not know until later. Still constantly praying for this.

To make everything seem even more exciting I will be walking in my graduation on May 12. Man, So many things about to happen.

Speaking of things to come...My wedding is in....48 days. WHAT?! I have been trying not to be that girl...you know the count down girl. Well I have done pretty well on Facebook but blogger is my secret, "Yes I am the countdown type girl" place. Thank you blogger.

We have sent out our invitations and have began getting response cards back. I have to say this is making it feel...real and very soon. It is also getting me nervous excited because I am now realizing how many people will be sharing in my and William's day. It's gonna be a packed house Y'all!

You may be wondering why I am suddenly updating my blog. It may or may not be because tomorrow is my first wedding shower. It may also be because I honestly feel like this is Christmas eve night. Which might be a trend I am representing here. Seeing as my last post was the eve of Christmas. I bet I post when I am so excited.

And finally to document a little about today. Today I got the opportunity to go with my beautiful cousin Lacy (who happens to be my future sister-in-law (Don't judge...we are in GA and I promise it's not as twisted as you think)) Where did we go? We went to get my dress that I will be wearing in her wedding which will take place in September.I can't wait to be in this wedding. Can't believe I will be the MATRON of honor.

This has been quite a journey. Can't wait to document the months to come.

Side note: This post is not as short as I had originally planned.It has also been quite scattered but Thus is my brain. It has been quite overloaded.

6 months

I am overjoyed and overwhelmed at this realization: I will be a married lady in 6 months. Can you believe it? I will be married to this man:



It's difficult for me to understand this fact.

6 months....Holy Cow that is no very long at all.

Another completely different thought I have is hurdles.

I was that kid. You know the one who never ever ran track and really had no place on that track. Saying this I would be in gym class and I would get cocky and start running toward a hurdle thinking o yes I can do this. I would start running at full speed and get right to it and come to a complete stop. It was at that second where I stopped that I realized that hurdle I am trying jump is as tall as my waist. There was no way.

I am challenging myself with the new hurdles in my life. I will begin racing toward them and jump on faith.

My hurdles: In January I will be entering into my last semester of Dental hygiene school. This school has been the most challenging and worst experience of my life so far. I will be taking nations boards and credits and just overall being overwhelmed.

All of this while trying to plan a wedding...I am plain crazy.

I am excited. I am stressed. But mostly, I am happy.

Not to mention that it is now officially Christmas eve Morning.
I love Christmas. I love my family. It's this time of year, when these things combine that I am happiest.

Knowing the love of my savior and knowing God sent him for me. Wow. That is powerful.

Know what else is powerful? Prayer.

6 months...chalked full of prayer, and love.

Thankful

**Warning: This post will be mushy**

I am thankful for a guy that sets my alarm when I fall asleep before I set it. That He thinks to do it before he goes home.

I am thankful that I want to have his last name, even though it will make my initials be EW..Get it people like EWWWWW that smells... Yeah I still want to have his last name. That's love.

I am thankful that he is a funny guy. Even now he is making me laugh out loud.

I am thankful that he loves me and that I love him.

I am thankful that he is the Christian leader of our future household.

I love that he loves Him, Jesus that is.

I am thankful for June 23, 2012.
I am thankful for John 15:9.
I am thankful for him.
Most of all I am thankful for Him.

Married LIfe

I am sitting here in my sister's kitchen at her Beautiful newly installed window seat observing them.

That sounds like they are my new science experiment... Let me explain,

My sister invited me to spend a little time with her and her husband. Offered to make me dinner and watch a movie. I even got to swim in there pool. Which is a real treat after a HOT Georgia day like today. I mean come on people here in Georgia we are talking tops at 94 degrees today.


Well as I sit here and they are busy being all married and making my dinner and just being them I realize that I cannot wait to be doing this. Just being married.

Who am I?

That the Lord of all the Earth
Would Care to Know my Name
And care to Feel my Hurt?

These lyrics are running through my mind as this question is burning in my brain. Who am I? I am unworthy. Who and I? I am a human. Who am I? A human that messes up. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Why did I feel the need to say something I never should have said? Why am I STILL beating myself up about it.

You're not supposed to say something about someone negative. If you don't have something nice to say. Don't! Right?

Even if you feel that it needs to be said. Even if you feel like the person needs to know. Even if they are someone very special to you who you feel is being treated wrong by the person closest to them.

Yeah you are supposed to keep your mouth shut.

Life lessons are the hardest things to learn.

I learned this one the hard way.

Stay out of other people's business. Don't judge even though you feel you are doing right. If they are happy be happy for them.

I am not you. I am not telling you what to do. I have never tried to do that. I just wanted to be your friend. Sorry that I messed up so big. Sorry I said something when I should have kept my mouth shut. Sorry that I hurt someone with words. (Especially after similar things happened to me)

I hope you read this.