My irrational Christmas list :)

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1. I would like some beautiful, cute, trendy, awesome boots. I have been searching and searching for some boots that would fit my legs. Alas, instead of calves I have cows. My legs are pretty muscular so it is very very difficult for me to find any boots that fit. In fact I have been looking for almost 2 years now. still searching. Any suggestions :)
2. I have recently come to loving these shoes. I mean come on people. If I buy one pair they send one to kids in Africa. Decision made.
3. I so so so want an Iphone but people I refuse to pay the monthly bill. Even If I am fortunate to have wonderful parents that would help me out. Plus I would absolutely LOVE this little device. It is not happening. At least not until I have a grown up job. Hey that just means I only have to wait another year and a half right?! Right.
4. I would love love love love to have a new pair of gap jeans. I realize they are more expensive than the normal jean but people let me just tell you they last forever and fit so well.
5. Last but not least I would love to have one of these babies. This will be the PERFECT place to study for my summer classes. I just cannot wait until the weather is just right for me to hang this little guy up and read a book by the lake. Or go camping and sleep in this baby.

Man O Man. Dream dream dream :)

Ps. Apparently when I make a wish list it is imperative for me to repeat myself 3 times.

so Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.

Go tell it on the Mountain.

Oh man you guys. I have had the most amazing week so far.

Can I just tell you that I am SO IN LOVE with Jesus Christ! Just after I had posted that last post down there, I had the most depressing emo feelings. Then I woke up the next morning and still had those feelings. I sat on my couch and thought Ok I know it's Sunday. Church is something that is supposed to happen. But even though I knew it was that time I sat and thought..I am not going. I will have to be there alone, it will be awkward. There is no way that I am going. Well Christ has his way of gently tugging at your heart until you are completely being torn away from what you think is the right decision. So I sat up and said I am not Chickening out. I got up and went. It was awkward alone but I was there to be filled with Jesus again. Oh how wonderful!

It seems that this Christmas season when I am down, A song pops into my head. That song my friends, is Go Tell it on the Mountain.

Imagine with me, actively climbing a mountain and standing on the very edge of this precipice and looking at the glory of the Lord. Then opening your arms and shouting, "JESUS CHRIST IS BORN!!!"

I have decided to form a bucket list of sorts. This activity will be one of my top 10 things I want to do. Maybe not yell exactly that sentence. Maybe I will just be yelling praises to the almighty. I am not sure, either way I am looking forward to climbing this mountain.

Home

I have always listened to all the Christmas songs that mention being home for Christmas. Even though these songs are special to me it's not because I could ever relate. This year however, I understand exactly what they mean.

Can I tell you the truth?

I was so so so very excited to move and be on my own. To have the "away from home college experience" that I have seen my friends and family love. But mine is not the, "away from home college experience" that most have. I live in an apartment, not in a dorm. Although I know some people in the complex, It's nothing like the wonderful experience I was anticipating. You see my sister went away to college. The only sibling of mine that has lived in a dorm. I would visit her and dream of being there. Being able to just skip down the hall and hang out with my best friend from college. You know the one that is a bridesmaid in your wedding. The one your call to have lunch with. Unfortunately, this has not been my experience.

Don't get me wrong blog people. I am adjusting finally. It has taken 4 months to get to this point. But now with the Christmas season here I am forced to face the fact that I am not at home looking at that glorious 9 foot tree with all the homemade ornaments from our childhood. But now that it is my job to have my own cheer. Right?

My all time favorite Christmas movie is Meet me in St. Louis. In this movie Judy Garland debuted a song called Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. (This just happens to be my favorite Christmas song) In the scene she is comforting her little sister, Tootie, because they are moving to New York the next morning. Although this song doesn't particularly say anything about being home for Christmas it still evokes the feeling of homesickness that often occupied my thoughts here in my apartment.

I so look forward to being home for Christmas.

What a sad sounding blog this is evolving into. I have decided my next post will contain feelings of happiness and love.

One scarred hand to the other.

My sins are too many to count. They are too many to categorize. They are too many to even fathom.

I have a problem with my sins....I cannot let them go.

There is a song I love by Casting Crowns called East to West. Several lines are currently repeating in my head over and over and over and over and over. This is what it says:

I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other




What a wonderful thought! Right?! That my sins are spread from the East to the West. But I keep thinking about that one line, "I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again."

My most recent sins. The ones I count among the worst. They are rising up in me constantly.

I image this is how a prisoner would feel. At least one that actually regrets the activity that has gotten them into their current living conditions. It's like the white walls are a constant reminder of what they have done. For me, it's everyone I see around me that are the reminder.

I should have been better.
Known Better.
Chose Better.
Lived Better.

And yet the choices I've made have lead me to basically running through my local Wal Mart to get away from those that I felt were going to be some of the most disappointed in me.


See what I mean people? I have never been able to let go of my own sins. He has already forgiven me for every sin I will commit. Every sin I have committed.

The part of this post that is the most difficult for me to comprehend is that I have to forgive myself.

I say Grace.

When I was 8 years old I begged Jesus to come into my life. Literally I got down on my knees and pleaded that he would save me.

At this age, did I truly understand what he was saving me from? At the tender age of 8 did I understand the commitment that I was undertaking?

Maybe I will never be able to answer these questions. What I do know is that night when I knelt down I couldn't wait to talk to this man Jesus. My heart pounded so hard that I just knew when I opened my eyes it would be laying on the floor. Can you imagine something feeling that urgent especially to an 8 year old?

Another question:

Have you ever met someone famous? I have.
It was an experience I will never forget. I got such a rush. I couldn't even speak. The guy had to ask me if I would like a picture with him! For the first time in my life I was speechless. Literally.

One more question:

Have you ever read a book that made you have an emotional reaction? Example, Twilight caused millions of people to have an obsession.

To my 8 year old self, this book was the Bible, and the famous person was Jesus.
I know these feelings still apply and yet they feel dulled.

Truth: If I saw Jesus right now in this moment I would be speechless. But it shouldn't be that I would need to see him to be speechless. I should be in constant awe of the power and love of Jesus.


What does this boil down to?
1. I feel lukewarm and I hate it.
2. I should read the Bible so that it will become my renewed obsession.
3. I should be what I seem to be to others around me.
4. I crave to be that 8 year old with that simple understanding.

hurtful words

So question...

Why are words so hurtful? Sticks and stones right? Aren't I rubber...You're supposed to be the one that is glue. The words are supposed to back fire and hurt the hurtful one. Yet today someone said something to me that I keep dwelling on.

On the flip side of that, Do I say hurtful things? I know I have not ever called someone what I was called today. Not to a person's face. Even though this gives me some comfort I realize I do think and say things that are not nice.

Just some thoughts running through my mind.

Connect

What a week I have had. It has been filled with 2 tests, Many hours of studying, stress, love, happiness, joy. It seems to me that the last three do not coincide with each other correct? In my wonderful life they do :)

My sister came to visit me this Sunday. She decided to come help me find a church in my area. I am very thankful she did. I went into this church Sunday feeling awkward and unsure...then the music started. It was a wonderful thing that happened at that point. I got a feeling. You know the feeling where you know God is near. Where your heart flutters and your hair stands on end. I had that. All I could say was. Hello God, I have been missing you.

That last statement is a wonderfully sad one isn't it? I have to confess that it has been a while since I have felt the way I did Sunday. Life gets in the way.

There are no excuses for this. I allowed moving, school, and other things get in the way of my worshiping.

Now though I look forward to attending this place God has set aside for people to gather and worship. I can't wait for William to come up and enjoy a service with me. I really want to thank Chelsea for coming up and missing her home church service.

I look forward to growing in my life. At school and in this new area.